In 2002, the first prayer was for life. Not mine. But for Lauran's. Let the doctor's be able to fix what is wrong and let her live a long life. Through her 53 days of life, I finally understood two scriptures - to pray without ceasing and to pray without words. I also came to understand that I didn't change God's will through prayer, He changes mine.
In 2003, the prayer was to see first the beauty of my life rather than the pain of my life. I watched myself celebrate every holiday, do mundane things, and marvel at mothers who casually walked through the mall with their babies in their stroller. I prayed for God to let me live a vibrant life instead of a shadow of a life.
Help me live the kind of life I would have wanted Lauran to have.
In 2004, I prayed for faith. We were one month away from having a baby boy. Help me believe that the doctors are right. He's healthy. There's nothing wrong. Help me believe this gift of a healthy baby could be ours.
In 2005, 2006, and 2007, I have prayed with exaltation. How blessed are we to have a beautiful, healthy baby growing and growing. The desire of my heart fulfilled. How GREAT are you God!
In 2008, I prayed for deliverance. I'm in the first trimester and find myself more scared than ever before. I have tasted the sweetness of life, and I am shamefully scared that I will have to face the bitterness again.
In 2009, my prayer of thanksgiving overwhelms me. We may face other trials, but nothing compares to the trial of loss. And I know, without a doubt, God will not abandon us.
And so the prayers go in 2010, 2011, and 2012. In every past prayer, and today's, and I imagine, every future prayer, God knows I miss her.
So on this day, I say a prayer of gratitude that sometimes I am given a glimpse of the bigger picture. Throughout these 11 years, I've watched others bear the loss of a child. Yet through their heartache, they have remained married. Some have borne healthy children. Some have adopted children. Some lovingly serve children. In their lives, I see such grace and beauty. So today, my prayer is for those mothers. I am so thankful that they have been given the desires of their heart and that they allowed me to bear witness. I thank God for them and for babies present and babies past.